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Family-Work – Is there a Balance?

This week’s Matzav Haruach (a Shabbat newspaper popular in the religious Zionist community) published a story recently related by former Knesset member Gila Finkelstein from the National religious Party. Apparently, before Mrs. Finkelstein decided to take part in the previous Knesset elections, she and her husband consulted Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu. Rabbi Eliyahu started the meeting by asking the husband whether he was willing to give up proper meals three times a day to accommodate his wife’s new job. After getting an affirmative answer, Rav Eliyahu advised Gila Finkelstein to run for office and wished her success.

This story is very relevant for many women deliberating how to strike a balance between the needs of the family, the desire for self-actualization, and the ability to impact the world at large. A couple of months ago, I was asked to run for our community’s executive committee. It was a hard decision, because while I felt I had what to contribute, it was not in the best interests of my family at that time.

So what do YOU think? Is it possible to work for the community or pursue a career without losing sight of the family? What’s the best way to do that?


 

It’s 5 PM! Do you know where your pots are?

A friend of mine recently shared her troubles with the dinner hour. She is not alone. Getting dinner to the table, while ensuring kids don’t eat each other alive can be quite a challenge, especially after a long day.

Believe it or not, there is a better way.

Have you ever considered the wisdom of stuffing our bodies with the heaviest meal of the day just as we are about to doze off?  It wasn’t always that way. Until about 150 years ago, people ate “dinner” at midday. But as factory (and office) workers started working far from home, dinner shifted to evening hours and the midday meal took form of a light packable lunch. The old way is still widespread in many places around the world.

Recent lifestyle changes have made midday “dinner” feasible for many families. Stay-at-home parents, freelancers, telecommuters, and part-time workers may find many benefits in switching the meals around. This one lifestyle change may enable you to save money, reduce stress, and even lose weight.

For most people, noon is a much saner hour than 5 PM. If at least some of your family members are home in the early afternoon, consider serving the main meal at that time.  This way, you will not have to cook while juggling a dozen other chores and listening to “M-o-o-o-m, we are H-U-N-G-R-E-Y!” in the background. Save several servings for whoever will come home at night. Your family can enjoy a cozy meal without everyone eating the same food.

The body’s metabolism is much higher at midday than at night. At 1 PM, there is still have half a day ahead of you and your body needs the calories to get you through it. Sandwich and fruit are just not enough to stave off hunger till dinner, so many people find themselves craving for snacks.

By the time we get to the dinner table at 5 or 6 PM, the metabolism is getting ready for bed (just as we are). With no chance for activity, the calories transform into fat that stays put right where we least want it. On the other hand, eating the main meal at lunchtime will provide sufficient energy for the rest of the day and eliminate the need for snacking. If you have had difficulty loosing the extra pounds or maintaining your weight, this could just be the answer.

The switch also makes financial sense. Gone will be the days of panic-stricken dashes to the fast-food place. Less snacking will not only translate into fewer pounds, but also fewer dollars.

What will you serve at 5 PM? Your usual lunch fare. In my family,  standard dinner options include tuna, eggs, pancakes, and a large salad. Bread, cheeses, and spreads supplement the meal.

As with any lifestyle change, your family will need time to get used to the new meal order. Try switching the meals around once or twice a week and see how you like it. If everything goes smoothly, you will be able to push the “dinner hour” up to one o’clock and regain some of your sanity.

Bon appetit!

Mothers' Guilt

Julia over at The Jew and the Carrot explores how guilt shapes her choices as a mother. The topic is not new to me. A couple of years ago, I took part in a workshop together with half a dozen of my friends, all women in their 30s, raising 5-7 children and holding day jobs. Incredibly, when asked to talk about themselves, each one felt compelled to talk about a certain weakness, something she didn’t do so well. My next door neighbour (who in addition to teaching special education and rearing 5 kids was studying for a degree in speech therapy) knocked my socks off by saying she felt guilty because she was not sewing her family’s clothing as her mother had done.

Since then, I have noticed that guilt is especially prevalent in the experiences of religious Jewish women. Between bringing up kids, working, maintaining healthy marriages, contributing to the community, trying to grow as people, and keeping wits about, women feel just a tad overwhelmed. Augment that with a constant stream of newspaper and magazine articles showcasing super-achiever moms with dazzling careers, and the stage is set for a penetrating sensation of not being good enough at keeping up with such a huge load.

By necessity, something just got to give, so most women make choices and set priorities. But social pressure and an innate tendency to keep options open supply yet another reason for guilt. So long as we reproach ourselves for not devoting time to a certain task, we maintain an illusion of being able to get to it some day. It’s right there on our radar if not as part of the daily routine, than at least weighing down on our conscience. Although there was no way for my friend to spend time sewing, the remorse somehow kept that option alive.

The problem is that guilt is counterproductive. It eats away at our self-image and prevents us from enjoying positive experiences and successes. Moreover, it makes us doubt the choices we have made and undermines the conviction necessary to persevere with these choices.

Thankfully, it is possible to rid ourselves of the feeling of underachievement by asking ourselves some frank questions.

  1. What fuels your sense of not doing enough? (Does your guilt over not cooking homemade meals stem from the belief in their nutritional value or from your cousin’s bragging about homemade pasta she makes from organic wheat grown in her back yard?) The first step to dealing with guilt is getting rid of the measuring stick. You’ll never be able to keep up with the Cohens, and chances are they are busy trying to keep up with you.
  2. What price tag accompanies that elusive achievement? Superwomen do not exist, period. If someone appears to be a superwoman, she pays a personal price for something she does not have the time to do. Consider what your life would look like if you would make different choices. For example, if you are pining over your slow career progress, think about the effects of a promotion on your work-life balance? What would you need to give up to accommodate this change?
  3. If you feel that the missing part would answer a real need, is it possible to incorporate that task into your life even partially? Sometime, small changes can make a big difference. You don’t have to pursue a university degree or hold a full-time job to get intellectual stimulation. So if your household chores are getting the better of you, consider getting some help (or pushing them off for another day) and heading out of the house for an interesting lecture.
  4. Has guilt become a substitute for action? If you know your current choices leave out something truly important, it’s time to shut down the auto-pilot. When long office hours force us to miss our kids’ childhood years, it is possible to seek alternative arrangements.  A time-consuming parenting workshop could save hours of parent-child battles and improve the overall family atmosphere.

Finally, after taking stock of the choices you have made, concentrate on your accomplishments. A “can do” attitude will get you much farther than any feeling of guilt.

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