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Family-Work – Is there a Balance?

Feb 20th, 2010
by Leah.
3 comments

This week’s Matzav Haruach (a Shabbat newspaper popular in the religious Zionist community) published a story recently related by former Knesset member Gila Finkelstein from the National religious Party. Apparently, before Mrs. Finkelstein decided to take part in the previous Knesset elections, she and her husband consulted Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu. Rabbi Eliyahu started the meeting by asking the husband whether he was willing to give up proper meals three times a day to accommodate his wife’s new job. After getting an affirmative answer, Rav Eliyahu advised Gila Finkelstein to run for office and wished her success.

This story is very relevant for many women deliberating how to strike a balance between the needs of the family, the desire for self-actualization, and the ability to impact the world at large. A couple of months ago, I was asked to run for our community’s executive committee. It was a hard decision, because while I felt I had what to contribute, it was not in the best interests of my family at that time.

So what do YOU think? Is it possible to work for the community or pursue a career without losing sight of the family? What’s the best way to do that?


 

Fun Chanukah Salt Dough Project

Dec 7th, 2009
by Leah.
No comments yet

Fun Chanukah Salt Dough Project

My kids came home with an assignment to create a chanukiya (chanukah menorah) for the school’s annual competition. After lots of deliberations, we decided to do it together from homemade salt dough.

We used the leftovers to make magnets, by creating shapes with cookie cutters and pasting fridge magnets on the back.

Salt dough recipe:

4 cups flour

1 cup salt

1½ cups water

  1. Mix flour with salt. Add water and knead thoroughly to form smooth dough. Shape into a ball and let dry for about 10 minutes.
  2. Create desired shapes.
  3. Place shapes on baking paper and bake at 200°C (320°F) for about 45 minutes (longer for very thick shapes).
  4. Let cool.
  5. Decorate with paint, sprinkles, beads and so on.

The financial sense of aliyah

Nov 28th, 2009
by Leah.
1 comment

This week, our close friends are coming on a pilot trip in preparation for their planned aliyah in the summer. Although the move will involve many challenges, there is one thing they’ll be glad to leave behind – spending over one half of their annual income on kids’ education.

While visiting family in the US in recent years, we have met a fair share of professional couples, who told us they could hardly make the ends meet even on a six digit income, because of huge tuition costs. That seems to be a common experience, judging from this discussion of yeshiva tuition and comments such as this:

Parents are taking their kids out of the orthodox schools and putting them in public schools. The Jewish Federation in this city has never seen the kind of numbers doing so, and believe it will only increase … I think all of us are beginning to see the future, in which we return to the 1950s and go to public school, with an after school Talmud Torah program. It’s already starting in many communities.

All of this has gotten me thinking. For years I have heard people say that can’t consider aliyah, because it is too hard to manage financially in Israel.  With lower salaries and higher prices, they argued, Israel just was not an option.

I understand that the decision to move to Israel is complex. However, people who would like to make aliyah, but are held back by financial considerations might want to check the facts. Moving to Israel can offer a financial break for two major budget items of a Jewish family – education and medical care.

Jewish education – Top-notch yeshiva education is free or very affordable. Many religious public schools are superb, but even private elementary schools charge only $50-80 a month. Yeshiva high schools cost approximately $1,500 annually (unless you choose a dorm, which should cost $3000 a year).

College fund – Despite availability of financial aid, US university tuition is prohibitively expensive. In Israel, on the other hand, college tuition amounts to $8000 for the entire degree! I actually know of people who got their degrees in Israel and then got licensed in the States all for a fraction of the cost.

Healthcare – From conversations with friends and family back in the US, I know this is a painful subject. I keep hearing stories about young couples deferring marriage to remain covered by parents’ health plans, people losing benefits, and overwhelming medical bills not covered by insurance. In Israel, medical coverage is universal and quality of care is very good. We pay a 5% health tax and nominal co-pay and can access private care by purchasing supplementary insurance ($50-100 a month for the entire family).

So, if you’ve always dreamed of moving to Israel but thought you could not afford it, do your math. The results may surprise you.

Turkey neck bean soup

Oct 29th, 2009
by Leah.
2 comments

As we woke up to gray skies and chilly air this morning, I decided to treat my kids to turkey neck soup – their favorite. Turkey is an excellent source of iron, but my family is not very fond of it. The only part of turkey everyone loves is the neck

If you are looking for a substantial and satisfying yet economical meal to warm your family’s bodies and hearts this winter, this recipe will fit the bill.

Turkey neck bean soup

It’s 5 PM! Do you know where your pots are?

Oct 18th, 2009
by Leah.
1 comment

A friend of mine recently shared her troubles with the dinner hour. She is not alone. Getting dinner to the table, while ensuring kids don’t eat each other alive can be quite a challenge, especially after a long day.

Believe it or not, there is a better way.

Have you ever considered the wisdom of stuffing our bodies with the heaviest meal of the day just as we are about to doze off?  It wasn’t always that way. Until about 150 years ago, people ate “dinner” at midday. But as factory (and office) workers started working far from home, dinner shifted to evening hours and the midday meal took form of a light packable lunch. The old way is still widespread in many places around the world.

Recent lifestyle changes have made midday “dinner” feasible for many families. Stay-at-home parents, freelancers, telecommuters, and part-time workers may find many benefits in switching the meals around. This one lifestyle change may enable you to save money, reduce stress, and even lose weight.

For most people, noon is a much saner hour than 5 PM. If at least some of your family members are home in the early afternoon, consider serving the main meal at that time.  This way, you will not have to cook while juggling a dozen other chores and listening to “M-o-o-o-m, we are H-U-N-G-R-E-Y!” in the background. Save several servings for whoever will come home at night. Your family can enjoy a cozy meal without everyone eating the same food.

The body’s metabolism is much higher at midday than at night. At 1 PM, there is still have half a day ahead of you and your body needs the calories to get you through it. Sandwich and fruit are just not enough to stave off hunger till dinner, so many people find themselves craving for snacks.

By the time we get to the dinner table at 5 or 6 PM, the metabolism is getting ready for bed (just as we are). With no chance for activity, the calories transform into fat that stays put right where we least want it. On the other hand, eating the main meal at lunchtime will provide sufficient energy for the rest of the day and eliminate the need for snacking. If you have had difficulty loosing the extra pounds or maintaining your weight, this could just be the answer.

The switch also makes financial sense. Gone will be the days of panic-stricken dashes to the fast-food place. Less snacking will not only translate into fewer pounds, but also fewer dollars.

What will you serve at 5 PM? Your usual lunch fare. In my family,  standard dinner options include tuna, eggs, pancakes, and a large salad. Bread, cheeses, and spreads supplement the meal.

As with any lifestyle change, your family will need time to get used to the new meal order. Try switching the meals around once or twice a week and see how you like it. If everything goes smoothly, you will be able to push the “dinner hour” up to one o’clock and regain some of your sanity.

Bon appetit!

Mothers' Guilt

Oct 12th, 2009
by Leah.
6 comments

Julia over at The Jew and the Carrot explores how guilt shapes her choices as a mother. The topic is not new to me. A couple of years ago, I took part in a workshop together with half a dozen of my friends, all women in their 30s, raising 5-7 children and holding day jobs. Incredibly, when asked to talk about themselves, each one felt compelled to talk about a certain weakness, something she didn’t do so well. My next door neighbour (who in addition to teaching special education and rearing 5 kids was studying for a degree in speech therapy) knocked my socks off by saying she felt guilty because she was not sewing her family’s clothing as her mother had done.

Since then, I have noticed that guilt is especially prevalent in the experiences of religious Jewish women. Between bringing up kids, working, maintaining healthy marriages, contributing to the community, trying to grow as people, and keeping wits about, women feel just a tad overwhelmed. Augment that with a constant stream of newspaper and magazine articles showcasing super-achiever moms with dazzling careers, and the stage is set for a penetrating sensation of not being good enough at keeping up with such a huge load.

By necessity, something just got to give, so most women make choices and set priorities. But social pressure and an innate tendency to keep options open supply yet another reason for guilt. So long as we reproach ourselves for not devoting time to a certain task, we maintain an illusion of being able to get to it some day. It’s right there on our radar if not as part of the daily routine, than at least weighing down on our conscience. Although there was no way for my friend to spend time sewing, the remorse somehow kept that option alive.

The problem is that guilt is counterproductive. It eats away at our self-image and prevents us from enjoying positive experiences and successes. Moreover, it makes us doubt the choices we have made and undermines the conviction necessary to persevere with these choices.

Thankfully, it is possible to rid ourselves of the feeling of underachievement by asking ourselves some frank questions.

  1. What fuels your sense of not doing enough? (Does your guilt over not cooking homemade meals stem from the belief in their nutritional value or from your cousin’s bragging about homemade pasta she makes from organic wheat grown in her back yard?) The first step to dealing with guilt is getting rid of the measuring stick. You’ll never be able to keep up with the Cohens, and chances are they are busy trying to keep up with you.
  2. What price tag accompanies that elusive achievement? Superwomen do not exist, period. If someone appears to be a superwoman, she pays a personal price for something she does not have the time to do. Consider what your life would look like if you would make different choices. For example, if you are pining over your slow career progress, think about the effects of a promotion on your work-life balance? What would you need to give up to accommodate this change?
  3. If you feel that the missing part would answer a real need, is it possible to incorporate that task into your life even partially? Sometime, small changes can make a big difference. You don’t have to pursue a university degree or hold a full-time job to get intellectual stimulation. So if your household chores are getting the better of you, consider getting some help (or pushing them off for another day) and heading out of the house for an interesting lecture.
  4. Has guilt become a substitute for action? If you know your current choices leave out something truly important, it’s time to shut down the auto-pilot. When long office hours force us to miss our kids’ childhood years, it is possible to seek alternative arrangements.  A time-consuming parenting workshop could save hours of parent-child battles and improve the overall family atmosphere.

Finally, after taking stock of the choices you have made, concentrate on your accomplishments. A “can do” attitude will get you much farther than any feeling of guilt.

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