parenting

All parents want to raise  successful kids. While the vision of success may change from parent to parent, the underlying desire for performance remains the same.  No matter the definition of “successful,” be it intellectual achievement, financial wealth, or social acceptance, our desire is driven by the perception of kids as extensions of ourselves and reflections of our parenting.

This thought resurfaced as I was reading Amy Chua’s account of her Chinese parenting style in the Wall Street Journal tonight. The Yale Law School professor has managed to raise two daughters on a strict diet of discipline, homework, and social isolation.

“A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do: attend a sleepover, have a playdate, be in a school play… watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin, not play the piano or violin.”

Chua praises the Chinese way of insisting on “tenacious practice” as the means for achieving the desired results, which then brings the child praise and love. As an example, in order to force her 7-year-old daughter to practice a difficult music piece, Chau

“hauled Lulu’s [the child’s] dollhouse to the car and told her I’d donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn’t have “The Little White Donkey” perfect by the next day. … I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn’t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic…. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn’t let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling…Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.”

I am not writing about Chua’s story because of its merits. Some Chinese bloggers were quick to point that this roadmap to success has resulted in record depression and suicide rates among young Asian women. Still, while “the end justifies the means” approach is abhorrent to most Western parents, it is only an extreme example of the conditional love with which most people raise their children. In many a house and almost every classroom behavioral modification has become the tool of choice for shaping children to fit into the desired mold. Kids earn praise and encouragement for good grades and polite behavior. This conditions children to think that their intrinsic value and goodness are dependent on some type of achievement or obedience.

For me, trying to raise my kids with unconditional love is an ongoing challenge. For starters, I’ve stopped treating toys and sweets as prizes for good behavior. How would you feel if your husband were to promise you a bouquet of flowers if you don’t scorch the food for the next week? That would be completely different from receiving the same bouquet just because “I love you,” wouldn’t it? I think the kids feel the same way. When a mom gives a child a piece of chocolate for getting an A on the test, she is manipulating him into getting good grades. The child is made feel that to be worthy of love he has to deliver. On the other hand, the same chocolate given will be taken as a sign of affection when it is presented as such.

And then there is the discipline side. Chua claims that Western parents’ obsession with self-esteem prevents them from setting boundaries. To that I would add that democracy has made too many inroads into our education, putting parents and children on equal footing. While children should be allowed to make age-appropriate choices, parents have the responsibility to use their broader experience and knowledge and act as guides.

This is the flip side of conditional love. It is not an all or nothing game. Strict behavioral limits do not spell lack of love; they enable the child to flourish in a safe environment. It is the way discipline is handled that often sends the wrong message. Personally, whenever I deliver a measure of tough love, I try to show affection right afterwards to let the child know that the misdeed does not change the underlying love for her. This takes a lot of awareness and practice (and a good night’s sleep), but it becomes easier when I shift the focus from my expectations for the child to her need for limits.

The main difficulty in parenting is finding the extremely delicate balance between tough and love. Our kids’ individuality requires different measures of each for raising emotionally and socially well-adjusted adults. Ultimately, this is true parenting success.