Over at Minnesota Mamaleh, Galit has written an excellent post on the importance of boundaries, direct communications, and lots of love as the way for turning out value-centered, drug-free kids.
I completely agree with Galit’s approach to parenting. All too often, we are so concerned with letting children develop their own identities that we give up the responsibility for setting boundaries too early. This hit home a couple of months ago, when I noticed my teen going to sleep at all kinds of hours. After putting her to sleep at the right hour for a decade, I was sure the good habits had sunk in. Apparently, I was mistaken. It wasn’t easy discussing bedtime with a 14-year-old, even though I was determined on doing it nicely. However, the message of parental involvement was worth the unpleasantness.
One thing is important to remember. There is no 100% guaranteed recipe to producing good kids. Yes, we are responsible for educating ourselves about parenting methods, for setting boundaries, and developing unconditional love for our children. However, we are not responsible for the final outcome.
The Hebrew word for child-rearing, chinuch, also means dedication of vessels or buildings as in Chanuka (the holiday on which the Temple was rededicated) or chanukat hamishkan (the dedication of the Tabernacle in the wilderness). Rashi, a medieval Jewish Biblical commentator, explains chinuch to mean the preparation of a person or a vessel for his/its future function (Genesis 14:14). That’s all there is to child-rearing. The parents’ job is to equip the children with a necessary measure of self-esteem, good habits, and clear values for a lifetime of challenges. Once that treasure-trove is in the kids’ hands, they are free to do with it as they please.
We try so hard to do things right that, inevitably, we set ourselves up with high expectations of picture-perfect kids. We would like to think that if we do this and that and press all the right buttons, we will not be disappointed. In reality, our children have free will to follow the path we have shown them, go astray, or maybe even find an altogether different trail. I know that a terrifying thought, but we are not in control.
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leah, thanks so much for the link and the response. your words are so-very value added. the scariest part is not having a formula to follow and letting go of all that we pour into our children. it gives me shivers to think about– but not the good kind. i really appreciate the jewish connection that you make. it is, in a word, powerful.
Minnesota Mamaleh´s last blog ..Minnesota Mamaleh: High Love, High Control
Galit, thank you so much for your thought-provoking comments. I almost feel that I could write a new post every time you stop by.
I can really identify with that feeling of dread. Any time one of my kids has a near-accident, my heart drops somewhere into the stomach area. I find it helpful to look at things from a different angle. If we view parenting as a job, we become less emotionally susceptible. Also, it free us from “what will others say…”
For me, praying for success in rearing my children is the best way to drive away bad thoughts.