At last week’s PTA meeting, the school brought a parenting counselor to talk about encouragement. She discussed how giving specific encouragement, when kids do things right reinforces positive behavior and helps reach scholastic achievements. Ultimately, the reasoning goes, kids learn how to give themselves positive feedback.
This is exactly where the approach goes wrong, in my opinion. By constantly encouraging the kids when they do things right, parents undermine the ability to look within for motivation. Encouraged kids grow up to be adults that are dependent on external praise and do not have the fortitude to make correct, but unpopular choices.
On the other hand, each time we praise a child when he behaves or performs well and withhold praise when things go wrong, we inadvertently teach him that our love and, by extension, his worth are based on performance.
When a child gets an A on a test or goes out of his way to help someone, he doesn’t need our praise. He knows he has done well and he feels happy. At such times, we would do well by emphasizing how he feels and identifying with these positive feelings. Instead of, “I am so proud of you,” how about, “I am sure you are very proud of yourself.” The beaming smile on the mother’s face is enough for the child to understand that she is celebrating the good times together with him.
Children do need encouragement, sorely so, but not when everything is OK. It is exactly at the moments of failure, of bad behavior and poor learning that kids crave encouragement. Once we reiterate the limits (in cases of misbehavior) or figure out what went wrong at school, we can communicate our empathy with the child’s plight as well as our belief that the letdown is only temporary, but our love is eternal and unconditional. This is the time to share our vision of the child’s potential and our belief in his ability to actualize it.
Such encouragement teaches the child that no matter how many times he fails, he is not a failure. It gives him the strength to pick up the pieces and carry on, may be even try harder the next time around. It develops a feeling of self-worth that has greater chances of surviving through whatever life may throw at him.
Nowhere is this more apparent than in the example brought by the counselor at the school’s event. She suggested mothers look back at the encouragement given by midwives or doctors at the time of birth in order to realize how instrumental it was in helping deliver the baby. This sounds like a great exercise, except it proves the opposite point! Though I have given birth to five children, I am yet to meet a midwife that would clap her hands and tell me how well I did after the child is born. At childbirth, the encouragement and support are given during the moments of crisis and pain before the delivery, when the mother might question her ability to survive the ordeal.
By supporting our children in hard times we can help them develop the courage to look inward for motivation, to withstand difficulties, and to persevere in the face of criticism.
What do you think about the effects of encouragement on children?
Adapted from a lesson by Rachel Arbus. To read more of Rachel’s unorthodox, but thought-provoking parenting advice, check out her book.
