Professionalism has its downside. As a long-time translator, I have great difficulty reading translated literature. Even if I am not familiar with the original, I notice the judgment calls made by the translator and consider how I would have done things differently. I have heard similar stories from other professionals, such as a graphic designer, who is bothered by font size mistakes or a sofer stam, who takes off his glasses whenever he is called up to the Torah on Shabbat, so as not to find a mistake.
The same could be said for parenting. As “professional” mothers and fathers, we all have our ideas of how to parent. Sometimes, our “colleagues’” parenting techniques rub us the wrong way. Over the years, I have received my fair share of comments and dirty looks from people, who thought they knew better than me how to bring up my children.
On one occasion, as we shopped in a huge department store, my daughter kept wandering off. No matter what I did, she seemed determined to get lost. Finally, I decided to try something different and let her experience logical consequences. The next time she walked off, instead of retrieving her, I stayed put and watched her from a distance.
After a couple of minutes, she realized she was lost and started looking for us. Soon enough, a kindhearted lady walked up to help. At that point, I walked over, thanked the lady, and explained that the girl was not lost and that I had kept an eye on her. The woman was incredulous. “Why would you do something like that?” she said, failing to comprehend why I would let my child feel lost.
This incident resurfaced in my mind several days ago, while shopping with my teenage daughter. As we walked down the main street of Jerusalem, we noticed a 5 or 6-year-old boy in the middle of a tantrum. He sprawled on the pavement and screamed at the top of his lungs, as his mother stood nearby, looking dejected. Apparently, she had decided to let the tantrum run its course. All around, people were stopping, staring, and making comments.
At that moment I felt an overwhelming feeling of empathy. I walked over and offered her some encouragement. She smiled backed. My daughter and I walked into a near-by store, and by the time we came out several minutes later, the child was in his mother’s arms, completely calm.
Despite our diverse backgrounds and approaches, all parents share a common goal – to raise happy, well-adjusted kids. Instead of judging, we can offer each other encouragement and share experiences. A friendly smile and warm word will take any parent much further than any critical stare ever could.
What do you do when people criticize your parenting style? Have you found an effective way to encourage other parents? Please share your experiences.
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great post! I struggle with this feeling of noticing and judging other parents while simultaneously wanting to NOT judge or notice “mistakes”. I too try to offer encouragement when I can and remember that everyone is doing the best they are able the rest of the time.
Marvelous post!
@Sarah Thank you so much
@Michelle When I am moved to judge somebody, I find it helpful to think about the fact that G-d creates each person with a unique set of traits, challenges, and tasks, which impacts his/her performance in a given situation
You are so right Leah, and so insightful. It takes a reasonable amount of life experience to be able to hold off on criticism, especially concerning other people’ parenting style.
What is interesting is when the kids are in their 20′s and they start delivering the criticism themselves. For instance I thought we were those fantastic parents who let each child follow his spirit and evolve in the direction that best suited him. Turns out that I quote “we were not giving them enough boundaries”. Good luck to us all!
Nathalie
@Nathalie Actually, this is a very common claim. The real trick of parenting is to set boundaries, while at the same time allowing the child “to find himself” and develop his potential within these boundaries. It’s actually quite complicated. Who said being a parent is simple?
I enjoyed your post, gracias for sharing!
The idea that we are “professional” parents is, in my view, questionable. To date education has wandered off from any curriculum requisites on parenting and human relations/communication. As a parent of five I quickly learned that one parenting style is not sufficient in raising five very different temperaments and the relationship that we all have with one another and as a family.
Criticism is easy and comes from an inner fear, perhaps a self-critique. For some unknown reason, help and support are much more difficult. Do we get involved? Do we intrude?
We tend to forget that the child is not an appendage of the parent and therefore easily offer our disapproving and critical stare to the parent. The child is a developing human being testing its capacities, sensing external stimuli, and processing information. When the child experiences the parent’s consequence and not his/her own then the opportunity for an experiential lesson is lost.
~Teresa
Mama of 5 strong, daring, loving, funny children
Waldorf parent
Parenting student
& Life learner
@Theresa Thank you for reading and commenting in such a profound way. You just gave me an idea for another post about parenting as profession. I completely agree that each child needs a different approach.