What has been the worst decision of your life? For me, buying a subscription to a parenting magazine some 10 years ago has become the most destructive mistake I have ever made.
Since I was born in Russia, my parents had a hierarchical, children-are-children, parents-are-parents, approach to child-rearing. And that was exactly the attitude with which I started out as a parent. Then, when my oldest daughter was 2 or 3 years old, I came across a parenting magazine. It seemed to have in-depth articles on child psychology, lots of helpful tips, and other relevant information, so I shelled out the $50 or so for a year-long subscription, thinking it would be a source of “enrichment.” Boy, was I wrong!
For the next 12 months, I read all about democratic parenting, authoritative advice on acceptable and unacceptable child management techniques, and the damage awaiting my children if I would fail to follow through. By the time my second daughter was born a year later, I had pretty much lost faith in my parenting abilities. Every challenge from the children made me question the wisdom of my decisions. The children sensed that and did their best (unconsciously of course) to test my authority.
Within two years, I felt myself on the brink of despair and it took a whole parenting course to put me back on track. I am convinced that more than the techniques or the tricks, the course helped me by establishing an approach in which I could feel somewhat confident. Although I no longer felt that I knew what was best simply by virtue of being a parent, at least I could act with a certain degree of conviction based on the recommendations of the course.
It’s been almost ten years since I took that course, and rebuilding my parental authority has become quite a journey. I have worked hard to move from needing external affirmations of my parenting smarts to internalizing that if G-d has entrusted His children into my hands, He most certainly has also given me the wisdom to bring them up.
It is this faith (psychological, not necessarily religious) that lies at the foundation of successful parenting. I am positive that although as a young mother I must have made my share of mistakes, the benefits of trusting in my parenting abilities outweighed the lack psychological insight. Child psychology books and parenting literature are full of contradictory attitudes. On the other hand, parents’ confidence in their approach enables a child to rely on their knowledge and instincts, as together they navigate the turbulent childhood and teenage years.
Do not get me wrong. I am not arguing against parents exploring new ideas or learning from their mistakes. In many cases, parents seek new ways, whenever the instinctive approach does not seem to work. Certainly, confidence does not have to mean stagnation. Still, well-meaning bystanders (including grandparents, health practitioners, and child-rearing gurus) would be well advised not to prove parents wrong. Ultimately, confident parents feel much more secure to seek help and make changes when necessary.
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Between authoritarian and democratic is Dr Chaim Ginot
(and his students Faber and STEP)
I’ve read their books, but they are nice, but not exactly my cup of tea.
On the other hand, I love Rachel Arbus – http://www.artscroll.com/Products/HIHH.html
I agree that whatever approach you use has to be consistent with your own personality and values. I’ve been misled by books and professionals as well.
I don’t enjoy books that put a Jewish veneer on a psychological approach. I’d rather hear the theory unadorned.
The problem is that there are so many theories and all of them have been “converted.” I don’t think there is one Torah-based parenting style, b/c as you say all parents and children have unique personalities.
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Loved this post! Added it to our “Best of Parenting” round up at parentingsquad.com:
http://parentingsquad.com/best-of-parenting-round-up-global-edition
@Lain, Thank you for the praise and the mention. Looking forward to reading your site.
Very well written. I agree. Confidence and a good support system is a must in regards to good parenting. I hope that all you have learned and determined on your own will be transmitted to your children as you help build their own parenting support systems.
Being consistent with my mothering is my biggest challenge. My 5 1/2 year old son keeps me on my toes and often pulls the rug out from underneath me, figuratively. Just when I think I’m on a roll he will remind me that G-d is the real parent and that I’m still a student. Sometimes, parenting books, blogs, friends etc. are there for the emotional support and reminder that some have it worse.
@Mama, a good support system IS vital. I am making mental notes what to say or not to say to my kids when they’ll be parents. Let’s just hope I’ll remember that 10-20 years down the road.
I made many mistakes, but at least my kids still talk to me.
I think that the critical factor that gets missed by so many parents is SO BASIC: WHO wrote the book?
On Becoming Babywise is the most insidious example of people who have ZERO qualifications to give child-rearing advice, but there are many people who write parenting books based on nothing more than their own experience. That’s bad enough but what is truly shocking is the enormous number of parents who uncritically buy them based on recommendations of their similarly-inexperienced friends.
I have found that all my favorite parenting books seem to be written by students of Dr. Haim Ginott…
@Lauren, that seems like a no-brainer, but I find that even books written by Ph. D.s in psychology are often filled with useless and even harmful advice. Not to mention that the experts disagree and develop new approaches every couple of years.
Personally, I am not crazy about Ginot’s school of thought, but that’s just my opinion.